Christmas confession

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

This post was not planned... recently, I am lost again... it's been months since I last blog... work been piling up... it feels like I was put on the spotlight.. extra work have been kinda frustrating too... which I brought it to myself.. thought it will get me off my mind... seems like is the other way around... emotions of the heart still a big issue... I feel lost and lonely and everything in between... I do not know what to do..

It's been more than five months since that day... that day that I made everything worst and awkward... I thought I could handle and coupe with it... but I guess it is too much for me.. it still hurt each time I think about it... but if you ask me whether I regret it... I would say no.. past couple of weeks, things are starting to get not so awkward anymore... but sometimes it still does... because I wish for more... I hunger for more... I controlled my feelings and emotions inside... but I could not control other people's... but when I am alone.. the emotions eat me inside... little by little... I hate the feelings and emotions I feel... I cant breathe.. it's suffocating me... but I could not do anything...

There have been millions or billions of 'if' that been crossing my mind... but I do not have the courage to make it real... I scared it will make things worst... so all the thoughts will just be kept in my mind... and it is driving me crazy sometimes... but I could not do anything... all I could do is wait... and wait... and wait..

Christmas day...

Just another day to me...

Through the window

My feelings right now is exactly like the picture above... where you see out of the window, you could see the sun light far far away... but you could not see it clearly... there are trees in front blocking it... I feel lost right now... is like there is no one that understands me anymore... I think I have returned being my old self again... thinking and hiding my emotions and feelings to myself... keeping it in a dark place where no one knows... I feel like I could not trust anyone...

This blog used to be my happy place... where I wrote whatever that comes to mind... it doesn't matter whether anyone is reading it... at least I had a place to let it out... but now, I noticed that I have stopped blogging for about a month dy... it felt dead... like how I'm feeling now...

This past couple of months... works been piling up... stress had showed it's face... and my mind could not think properly sometimes... it feels like everything around me is a mess... my life is a mess... I needed a break... but team building wasn't as fun as anticipated... and was down with a fever and sore throat... being sick, the brain totally shut down... so I took it as a sign to take a break that I deserve... I decided to go back to the little town that I know... where the pace is slower... and the environment that I'm familiar with...

This couple of days... just siting at home doing nothing.. savour my mom's cooking and just relaxing... well, it have quite opened my mind a little... settling down and calming myself... which leads to this post... I told myself: "yes, life sucks, so suck it up"... but sometimes, it's eating me inside.. bit by bit... well, c'est la vie...

I might been a jerk this pass few months a couple of times... well, here I apologise... I'm not in my right mind... everyone have their ups and downs... it's just depends on how you manage and control it... I admit that I do not manage and control it properly.. I'm sorry...

Deep in thoughts...

A thought

Imaginations will always be just imaginations...
Fantasies will always be just fantasies...

Indigestion...
>.<...

my world

If my world has no paths,
will you build some roads?

If my world is freezing,
will you be the sun?

If my world has no love,
will you show some?

If my world are being invaded,
will you defend it?

If my world is the only world,
will you make another beside?

If my world become a shade of gray,
will you paint it with colours?

If my world become pitch black,
will you become the light that shine?

逢いたい。。。
キミはどこ？

It kicked in

It's been 2 weeks since I started working and everything seems to be ok for me... well, I had a few task to do like checking or doing reports... all the titsy-bitsy stuffs... but this week the tasks are a little more harder... I had to do some queries, check this and that whether it's correct or not and some other almost similar stuffs... the environment here is ok... but have to pay parking of 3 bucks per day... and have to walk a little distance... oh, everyday dring lunch time around 12 or so, we have free fruits... usually it's in a box... that day we have kiwis, yesterday we had guava, and today we have pruns... but normally when I went to the pantry it only left a few not so pretty ones... but still better than nothing... sometimes, there's nothing left...

It's the time of the month dy... I hate it cause it's too much to think... not that I want to think but whenever you're alone, the mind wanders... too much stuffs, too much memories... everything I do seems to be wrong... I hate people telling me to think positive or some inspiring stories or whatever craps... you see, inspiration stories are normally from who? the rich and famous isnt it... they're rich, it's a different story for us... some say they live a hard life when they're young... and because they're hardworking, they achieve what they have now, or some sort like that... if you see out there, how many people do not try? how many do not take chances?

Everyone does... but luck just not by their side... LUCK? hmm... some people will tell you to see other people's suffering or bad luck... so you'll feel better for yourself... but given the condition of the people and yours, it's totally different... how could you compare? cause the world is an unfair place... some people are meant to be rich and some people are meant to be poor... some people are meant to be happy and some people are meant to suffer... people will only think for themselves... everyone is a selfish jerk, cause we're humans, so am I...

Thinking positive does help sometimes... but only for that moment... if you kept all the feeling inside you for days, months or years... you're eventually going to explode some day... or go crazy... or you might even take you own life... what is the best way then? or are there even one to start with? what is this so called LIFE? what is the purpose of living? do we have control on our life? on what we do? on ourselves? who are us? who are you? WHO AM I?

TEARS...
SCARS...
BLEEDING...

unfair world

This world is so unfair... some people just got the luck or whatever you call that... everything is smooth sailing for them... got into a good school, got the dream job, get rich, etc... but some people are just bad luck their whole life... life doesnt really go their way... not even once... whatever they go it always go the wrong way... an opportunity turn out to be a garbage... a dream turn out to be a nightmare...

This world is full with idiots, bastards, bitch, whore, fools, nincompoop, freaks, jerks, double face, hypocrite and all the other bad words you could think of... they are all selfish that only think for themselves... they dont care for any other being, animals and plants included... they live in their own world where they are the king and rules... they look down on other as though others are abnormal or aliens...

Everyone is a fool...

curiosity kills

I've been disconnecting myself from the world lately... it's not that I din online or what... it's just that I'm lazy or no mood to on my msn or ym or whatever... I just played my games... watched my movies... checked mails and stuffs... being jobless is very 'fan'... cause when you have nothing to do... the mind will wander and it's seems like every day is a waste of time...

I have stopped applying for jobs (not that I really apply that much also)... it's been like 2 weeks I din receive any calls or interviews... maybe due to raya is just around the corner... sometimes thinking of it is very frustrating... looking at the titles and details doesnt interest me... I didnt know what or which to apply... I dont really know what I want to do... I did receive a call a few days ago (ok, I lied about din yet any calls earlier)... the person ask me to do tele-marketing... so I ask what they sell... and she said insurance... I sneered and she asked why I laugh... I said nothing and said I'm not interested... geesh, I felt a little bad afterward... but cant a guy choose what he want to work as? even if he doesnt know what he wnat to do...

Been having restless nights again (one of the reason I din online)... sometimes I woke up suddenly at night... but most of the time is I cant sleep till around 2/3am... I so wish the brain had a switch to turn it off...

Do you have the time when you have decided to do something or have your mind set about something... but curiosity just gets the best of you and you end up doing the opposite of what you intended... for example, "I will not buy that shirt that I saw the other day"... curiosity came and "it looks nice on me, I'll buy it"... well, you get the idea... I'm that kind of person where curiosity always gets the best of me... curiosity kills I tell you... not physically, but mentally... and I hate it... (another reason I din online)...

Life is like a puzzle... where from time to time you will find the pieces to join together to complete the big picture, which is LIFE... sometimes the pieces doesnt come together so you'll have holes here and there... so you have to search for the pieces and place it at the correct holes... but wouldnt it be great if the pieces would just fall into place?

Life...
what is it?

怖い。。。

逢いたい。。。逢えない。。。
話したい。。。話せない。。。
抱きたい。。。抱かない。。。
泣きたい。。。泣かない。。。

ごめんなさい。。。

寂しい

だれも思わない。。。だれもケア。。。みんなは忙しいです。。。かなしいな、僕。。。でも、だれも知る。。。

愛情友情知りたいことはなんでも。。。

Where this leads to?

It's been a long time since I blog... well, actually there are nothing to blog about... the pass 2 weeks after my exam I have been doing nothing... I pass my days by playing a lot of games and searching for more games to play, watching tv and sleep...

The final result has finally released a few days ago... I am officially graduated... 5 years of study and this is where I am, no where... I always thought that I have my life all planned out... but when I finished my last paper, I only knew that I did not planned it this far... guess I was wrong... I don see where will I be in the near future or a month from now...

There's been a lot through my mind recently... should I do that, should I do this... what if I do this and what if I do that... I really have no idea what I am going to do or be... my mind is full with questions unanswered... talking to my family and friends about it always ended up with the same question again, what I wanna do?... if I knew, I would not asked... there are also things that I could not discuss with them, personal stuffs that I need answers... answers which I would never get... or maybe answers that I'd already knew but just need confirmation...

Neway, my life has not been what I always hoped for... and it has not been easy for me to live it... obstacles here and there... I just hoped that for once, just once, everything would go smoothly...

今、キミをどこ。。。
逢いたいよ。。。

Tracks of my tears

People say I'm the life of the party
Cause I make a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue

So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown since you put me down
My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you

Baby baby baby,
Take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
I need you, I need you, I need...
- Adam Lambert (American Idol 8)

*Adam din win... my feelings about Kris will win is right...

Hate this time in life...
I dowan to say goodbye...

Study week are meant for studying...

and not slacking off like what I am doing... I just dont have the energy and concentration to study... especially when I am sick... the fever came and gone on Tueday but Wednesday it gets worst... so Thursday I ask Poingee to accompany me to see doctor... cause I'll be meeting him to do the hardcover thingy...

We went for lunch first cause the clinic is on lunch time too... waited quite a long time before I get to meet the doctor... was so weak... after seeing the doctor and taking my medicine I felt a little better... drop Poingee off to meet Joel and I went to campus to do the hardcover... then receive a call from Tzean saying have to change the date... great, that time is around 3pm dy... I was so tired so I went back... the next day, Friday, meet Poingee for lunch again... then went to campus... it's such a waste of time, so mafan... and it will only be done next Wednesday...

Now it's Saturday dy... still feeling a little energy-less and down... I finished my cough syrup but I still coughing... fever has gone away... but since yesterday, I've been going to the toilet quite often... think I had diarrhea... might be the bacons I had on Thursday night... been losing appetite since taking the medicines... wish my parents would came back soon... so I could have a proper meal... as in rice with some dishes and a soup... I miss them too...

Been watching a lot of TV lately... since I am alone at home and no one to talk to... most are preparing for their exams this coming Monday... but mine will only start on Saturday... AI has been superb... as predicted, Adam and Kris are going to the final... but I got a feeling Kris will win... but I hope Adam would... neway, we'll see...

Wished you were here...

Idle

I spend most of my time doing unproductive stuffs... watching dramas, surfing the net, reading blogs, or just sitting listening to music... basically I am wasting time... I like so free but actually I have a lot of stuffs to do especially my FYP and assigments plus studying for my coming midterm... I just could not bring myself to do the stuffs... and everyday I would complain I'm bored till my friend gets tired of me... it's like I'm bugging the fellow... I need a new life cause this life sucks to the max...

I miss the old days...

R.I.P

A friend of my pass away yesterday... a friend that have never seen for a long time... and a friend that we have known a long long time... it was a sudden news for everyone... cause some just saw him a few days ago... and we just called him during CNY... may he rest in peace...

It's a sad feeling....
reminds me of my aunt...

Uncertainty

Recently I've been kinda emo... sometimes I don really show it... but yesterday was very obvious... I myself also cannot tahan... and I could not find ther reasons why... currently in hostel and there's 2 other guys here too... yesterday night was kinda moody and a fellow keep asking me work related stuff which kinda pissed me off... but I keep the cool... really hate myself for being that way...

There's another 5 weeks to go before I end my ITP... there's this mix feelings started to flow or whatever inside me... I just hate the feelings... part of me wanted the internship to finish ASAP... but the other part wish I have more time here... is like a dilemma where you have to choose between two things... but in this case, it's related to the time... so there's nothing I could do about it...

Past two weeks been kinda slow for me... and Eddie too... cause get an 'order' by the boss not to disturb the people in Roystar this two months cause they are so damn busy they wont even look at you... so Eddie and me have no choice and have nothing to do for the time being... all we could do is all the little pieces... but then after a meeting last week and with the release of the new version 2.08... Eddie and me starting to have more works than expected... but mostly are testing jobs... which are kinda a waste of time because you have to make sure it runs as expected...

That is only for the time being... from the meeting last week, most of the stuff will be kick-off after CNY... to be honest, when I heard about it I only have a little feeling of relieved because I'll be finishing my internship before CNY... what I'm worried is Eddie where after I left... he'll be dealing it all alone... and with the dead line set to first of March... I could not live with the feeling of relieved... it feels like a betrayal... but also I could not extend my internship longer which I had already done so... and after CNY, I'll be starting my final trimester...

Will a miracle happens?

All eyes on me

Yesterday my friends ask me to lepak... I feel kinda lazy and tired... and in my current condition some more... I thought of not going but went anyway since my friends seldom come back... we went to MP, Daryl drove... went there shop a little but nothing to buy... then Arif decided to cut hair at Backstage... orang kaya... around 6.45pm he still haven done... been there almost an hour... Daryl have to get back around 7pm... so we left Arif...

During the lepak time... everyone was looking at me... some look shock... some look pity (mostly older people)... some look disgusted, as though I am a freak or some kind of being... I did not pay much attention to them of course... I went on with what we do like normal... but I hate the feelings... I don't even know what I'm feeling...

Around 8+pm, Arif called and ask wanna watch movie not... sweat... he say Daryl is fine with it as long as I'm fine with it... around 9.30, Daryl came and fetched me and met Arif at MP cinema... wanted to go DP but the showing time is not suitable... we watched Painted Skin.. not bad la... it's a China flim that speaks Mandarin... it's about a lady which is a demon that eats people heart for her to stay young... it's an action thriller with quite a number of fights... there are a few funny scene too... I give 7/10...

I need a friend...
someone that understands...

Flinging

This coming Monday...
and this coming Tuesday...
I'm gonna flung my midterms...
I haven started studying...
I cant get myself started...
I cant concentrate...
everything happened in a sudden...
at this moment...
it really feels like life sux...

I'm a mess...
j'ai besoin de toi...

Triple 8

Today is a day that is very special cause it only happens once a life time... if you turn on the TV... you most probably will hear about couples getting married on this day... especially chinese couple because 8 is a very auspicious number... other than that, you will also hear about the Olympic that will start tonight... which is an event that is anticipated by the whole world...

As for me... I'm looking forward to the Olympics... but other than that... I lost an aunt this morning... it's has been quite a while since she suffered from colon cancer (cancer of the large intestines)... it was a shock when I heard about it from another aunt that called this morning... but my parent already knew it when I called them to ask where they were... they're already at my aunt house helping out...

I dont know what to feel...
there's too much...

Like A Dream

Today everthing just happened as though it's a dream... I woke up around 10am and receive a call from Poingee that he might be reaching my house around 1pm... he coming to take some of his stuff back... so I had breakfast and wasted my time while waiting for him... around 12.45am I called him and he say he about to ready... and he said CC might follow him to my house... so I bath and get ready too...

They reached around 1.30pm or so... and have lunch at my house... my parent had went out before they came... so after lunch Poingee ask me some stuff about his new lappy... and then we went out lepak at mp... mp was so packed with people... but luckily we found a parking near to the staircase... we walk around like no body business... went into a shop, look around, and came out... Poingee wanted to buy jigsaw puzzle but dont have the one he wanted...

So after lepak a while went over to Dataran... also quite pack with people... went in the main entrance only and we say 'teletubbies' dancing around... quite a number of people was watching... kids enjoyed it... it's the school holidays... so there're all this kid stuff happening at mp and dataran... also window shop a while and then we went back around 4.30pm...

They hang out at my house a while... Poingee copy some stuff from me... while CC fell asleep... they went back around 5.30pm... and as soon as they leave... my mind is as blank or empty as a piece of paper... I was thinking did that just happened? what just happened? it's like a dream...

Too much is in my mind now... I dont know what to think or what to do... what am I suppose to do... what am I gonna do... what will I be doing... what am i doing... problems after problems seem to keep popping up... my phone since yesterday night cant call and receive calls... restarted it like a million times... and done everything I could... still hopeless... why does everything always went wrong for me? why cant it all go well for once? my liife sux...

Wake me up...
なくなく...

Mood-less

Today I was suppose to start studying for my finals... but I slack all day long... woke up it's around 12pm dy... cause yesterday night waited for my parents call to fetch them home... yes, my parents came back... they reach around midnight... they bought some cloths and snacks... so slept kinda late at 2am cause chatting with them a while... anywho, my finals' schedule:

15/5: ECP 3116 - Digital Computer Design (have to putar-putar your head)
16/5: ECP 3226 - Advance Computer Architecture and Parallel Computing (what a long name)
17/5: ETM 3076 - Communication II (hate this subject)
23/5: EHM3066 - Engineer and Society (con stories, unethical at all)

All my major subjects are group together in three days straight... syabas right... ohya, went badminton today... it was fun... Louis and Lucius joined us for the first time... cause CC can't go due to his assignment or assignments... Louis kept asking me when we're playing, when we're playing... and each time I ajak them... they got business or meeting or sort.... today actually they were kinda lazy to go... but they still went at the end... turn me down so many times dy I guess... hahaha...

So much in my mind right now... when I reach home... I was wondering whether I should get a new racquet... cause it seems like everyone had gotten a new one... and I was still using people's racquet... feel kinda... erm... shame... and guilty if I crashed it with others... like today, crashed Poingee's racquet with Yen's... sowry~

I intended to buy it before the midterm break... but suddenly I have better stuff to buy first... I changed my spectacles... cause I can't see really well anymore in class... and at the same time my speaker kong... so have to get a new one... spend all my ang pau money on the two...

After the break, due to midterm exams and assignments... we had less time to play... and I thought that it's a waste to buy... since we're having our finals soon... and holiday is coming... and we have FYP next trimester... I don't think we have time to play... and also, I intended to buy a laptop... still doubt my parents approval... but I need it cause I spend most of my time in campus... wasted a lot of time for breaks between classes... and for the coming training, it would be more convenient for me... we'll see after the finals... so, should I get a new racquet?

No mood to study... but I did start to study for my communication... studied flipped through for about 15-20 minutes... I did not understand a word I'm reading looking... at least I took the initiative ok... so I check the pass year papers... fuh~ so many stuff to memorize... some looks easy, some most look hard... liao la... and so, I decided to blog... hahaha...

---

I feel like it's been so long since I post anything about my life and thoughts or so... mostly are post copied from the EHM blog or just pictures with some descriptions... it's really been very hard for me this trimester... pretending as though nothing had happened... pretending to feel nothing... go along with the people... go along with the flow... faking a smile... faking happiness... feels like I'm a hypocrite, double face, manipulator, pretender and all the other things you could think of... relationship among people is hard and unexpected... c'est la vie or that's life, which I always tell myself... everyone lives their own life... and only cared about themselves...

Seriously, I do not know where this post is getting... I just write what comes to my mind... better that I stop here... it's too long dy... if I think more and write more... who know what I'll write... signing typing off...

No one understands...