Christmas confession

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

This post was not planned... recently, I am lost again... it's been months since I last blog... work been piling up... it feels like I was put on the spotlight.. extra work have been kinda frustrating too... which I brought it to myself.. thought it will get me off my mind... seems like is the other way around... emotions of the heart still a big issue... I feel lost and lonely and everything in between... I do not know what to do..

It's been more than five months since that day... that day that I made everything worst and awkward... I thought I could handle and coupe with it... but I guess it is too much for me.. it still hurt each time I think about it... but if you ask me whether I regret it... I would say no.. past couple of weeks, things are starting to get not so awkward anymore... but sometimes it still does... because I wish for more... I hunger for more... I controlled my feelings and emotions inside... but I could not control other people's... but when I am alone.. the emotions eat me inside... little by little... I hate the feelings and emotions I feel... I cant breathe.. it's suffocating me... but I could not do anything...

There have been millions or billions of 'if' that been crossing my mind... but I do not have the courage to make it real... I scared it will make things worst... so all the thoughts will just be kept in my mind... and it is driving me crazy sometimes... but I could not do anything... all I could do is wait... and wait... and wait..

Christmas day...

Just another day to me...

it's been a while...

...since I have posted anything other than what's happening around me... it's been quite a bumpy ride for the pass few months or weeks... before and after the CNY... well, I have also been kinda busy with work too... there's been some changes in work and everyone need to step up... including me of course...

Blogging time have been lesser and lesser... since I've moved in with my brother... we cook almost everyday for dinner.. and also the weekends... every night after dinner is kinda late dy... and was tired to do anything... dont speak about blogging... switching on the lappie is also seldom.. and since the area we staying is a new area... there is no connections here... not even streamyx... so we have to settle for P1... and the connection sucks... sometimes can connect sometimes cant... slow as snail and they're calling themselves faster 4G network... geesh!! then, 2 days ago.. finally there is streamyx available... it saved my live... at least it is stable and I could surf and download... waiting for unifi...

Also, 2 days ago... heard about the massive earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan.. that is very devastating... reported to be the 5th largest quakes after 1900... and looking at the videos of the water gushing through the land and wash everything away... it was scary just to think of the possibilities that hit the people there... also reported to be more than 10000 people lost and killed... let us pray for them... is it the end of the world is near? 2012? is it true?

Looking at what is happening around... life is very short and fragile... a moment earlier you could be doing things you like... the next you might be caught in something totally different... communication among people... feelings among people... giving and receiving... blaming and forgiving... the nature of human kind... selfishness... no matter what the situations... people will only think of themselves... they always put themselves first... I wonder will there be a day where everyone understands each other? and world peace? that might be a stupid thought indeed...

As for me... I have been kinda to myself lately... thinking about unanswered questions... which are still unanswered... guessing and puzzling this and that... and things I've never said... where I kept in a black box... that leaks out once a while... things that I could not say... that I could only think and imagine... and wonder around an endless thought...

Have you ever been told something you said is inappropriate... then whenever someone else said the same thing you said... maybe a few days later or maybe even earlier... the person never been judge... have you ever feel like whatever you said is wrong... naiveness or straightness that you dont even know... have you ever felt left out? like a monster amongst giants...

People told me to be the bigger person... which I have always been... but I have my limits too... that sometimes I could not control it... even if I want to... there is just a rage in you that wanted to burst out... to tell them in their face... cause some people just think they are so big and great... and the world revolved around them...

Sometimes I just wondering... did I grow to be a better person? are my thinking right? am I doing the right thing? or am I just like everyone else? cause we are just human anyway...

This and that...
and everything else...

ねえ。。。

先週の旅行は面白いな。僕はたくさん友達に成りました、でも疲れるな。全部の活動は楽しいよ、僕は好きだよ。終わりはないを希望する。

このごろはとても忙しいです。もっと、もっと、仕事は割り当てました。でも元気だよ。ときどきは寂しいよ、でもだれも分かります。僕の親しい友達も分かりません。キミはいない。思うな。泣きたいよ。キミは知っていますか？

行きたいよ、キミのところへ

気持ち

キミへ、

　ねえ、久し振りだね。キミは元気ですか？仕事はどお？よく食べてか？僕は元気です。仕事がいいでしょう、今。でも未来は知りません。僕の部屋はおおきな。でもちょっと汚い。家から会社までさんじゅうふんです。キミはどお？

　キミが逢いたいな。キミの声、キミの目、キミの手、キミの顔、キミの笑顔、キミは微笑みの時、僕は全部覚えてる。悲しいね今、僕たちの距離は遠いな。キミが本当に思うよ。今はキミはどこ？僕の気持ちはキミを感じますか？僕はキミを好きだよ。いつも、ずっと。キミは知りますか？

僕から

絆。。。

It kicked in

It's been 2 weeks since I started working and everything seems to be ok for me... well, I had a few task to do like checking or doing reports... all the titsy-bitsy stuffs... but this week the tasks are a little more harder... I had to do some queries, check this and that whether it's correct or not and some other almost similar stuffs... the environment here is ok... but have to pay parking of 3 bucks per day... and have to walk a little distance... oh, everyday dring lunch time around 12 or so, we have free fruits... usually it's in a box... that day we have kiwis, yesterday we had guava, and today we have pruns... but normally when I went to the pantry it only left a few not so pretty ones... but still better than nothing... sometimes, there's nothing left...

It's the time of the month dy... I hate it cause it's too much to think... not that I want to think but whenever you're alone, the mind wanders... too much stuffs, too much memories... everything I do seems to be wrong... I hate people telling me to think positive or some inspiring stories or whatever craps... you see, inspiration stories are normally from who? the rich and famous isnt it... they're rich, it's a different story for us... some say they live a hard life when they're young... and because they're hardworking, they achieve what they have now, or some sort like that... if you see out there, how many people do not try? how many do not take chances?

Everyone does... but luck just not by their side... LUCK? hmm... some people will tell you to see other people's suffering or bad luck... so you'll feel better for yourself... but given the condition of the people and yours, it's totally different... how could you compare? cause the world is an unfair place... some people are meant to be rich and some people are meant to be poor... some people are meant to be happy and some people are meant to suffer... people will only think for themselves... everyone is a selfish jerk, cause we're humans, so am I...

Thinking positive does help sometimes... but only for that moment... if you kept all the feeling inside you for days, months or years... you're eventually going to explode some day... or go crazy... or you might even take you own life... what is the best way then? or are there even one to start with? what is this so called LIFE? what is the purpose of living? do we have control on our life? on what we do? on ourselves? who are us? who are you? WHO AM I?

TEARS...
SCARS...
BLEEDING...